I was really impressing myself on Sunday during my Target shopping trip with the advice I was giving myself, and since then.
1.) If all the cute dresses at target make you look like a giant whale wrapped in a tablecloth, consider purchasing cute workout gear instead.
2.) Don't try on dresses at Target, you have a job, shop somewhere fancier. You don't have time to go anywhere fancier, but that is a different story.
3.) If you buy darling new short workout shorts, just know that the day you wear them will be the day you are holding an exercise ball between your legs and waving your legs over your head. With a partner.
And now for some dubious advice from Jack:
1.) You don't need to wash your hands before you eat if you are eating outside.
2.) You should always wash your hands after you pick your nose.
This is all leading up to a money making idea that I had where I give awesome advice, but I am secretly a shill. I say, "You sound stressed. I find that a great way to relax is to build a photo book on shutterfly." Then I link to shutterfly. Ka-ching! Ad revenue.
I partially got this idea while brainstorming with my friend Laura (or one of my friends named Laura, as another friend named Laura pointed out). We thought maybe we could become nutritionists, or more realistically, quacks, and open a business where we tell people what to eat. She suggests "steamers" (Ka-ching!) I think steamers just increase the chance of running into work-weirdos in line at the microwave. I suggest biking to Whole foods for a salad. (Ka-ching! Ka-Ching!) I think conflicting advice will bring in the most ad revenue. And be the most pleasing for the readers. Who doesn't love conflicting advice on what to eat?
I can get lots of tips from this email that P&G sent me about how to improve my husband's health. Chock full of tips for people whose husbands are babies who can't take care of themselves, AND the useful things you can buy to make them healthier.
Don't worry, none of this will go into effect unless I quit or get fired from the job that pays me well enough to shop somewhere other than Target.